Scrim Shaw's EMPTY NESTER LOUNGE Semi-Atomic Chicken Wings
Scrim Shaw of The Empty Nester Lounge
INGREDIENTS:
Legally and humanely procure four pounds of plucked chicken wings. We recommend purchasing them from an establishment that separates the three joints and does not charge you for the wingtip they discard before weighing.
The recipe requires one stick of real butter. Under no circumstance should oleo, margarine, Country Crock®, or any form of synthetic non-dairy spread be used.
You will be required to use at least an entire 12-ounce bottle of Frank's Original RedHot® cayenne pepper sauce.
A 6-ounce can of tomato paste will thicken the pepper sauce and butter mixture and help adhere the sauce to the baked wing surface.
WING BAKING PROCEDURE:
Crank your oven up to 450ºf.
Cover a flat pan with aluminum foil so that you will avoid a messy clean-up later.
Drizzle the aluminum-clad pan with olive oil (not pictured) and sprinkle with salt, pepper, and garlic powder. I highly recommend Kosmos Q's GARLIC GARLIC seasoning.
Next, you will neatly place wings on the pan in a neat and orderly fashion. Yes, neatness counts.
Now that the wings have landed and are perched on the pan, thoroughly drizzle and season the exposed wing surfaces.
Next, place the uncovered pan on the middle rack of your 450º f oven, shut the oven door, and bake for approximately 15-20 minutes.
Once the quarter/third hour has subsided, remove the pan, flip the wings, and place the pan back into the oven.
You will now cook the wings for another 15-20 minutes, occasionally opening the oven door and watching as they begin to brown and crisp.
Satisfied that the wings are fully baked and easily fall from the bone, remove the pan from the oven.
THE SAUCE
While the wings are baking, it is time to whip up the sauce.
With a stovetop burner set between low and medium to low heat, place the butter, RedHot sauce, and tomato paste in a large saucepan.
Allow the butter and paste to melt into the RedHot sauce while stirring occasionally.
Simmer this semi-atomic mixture until the wing cooking portion of the project has reached completion.
WING + SAUCE FUSION
From a distance no farther than 8 inches, carefully drop the cooked wings into the molten sauce.
Stir the two elements until the wings have received a saucy coating.
SERVING SUGGESTION
Following a western upstate New York tradition (passed down from generation to generation), serve your EMPTY NESTER Semi-Atomic Chicken Wings with sliced celery stalks and bleu cheese dressing. For those appalled by either the unique bleu cheese bouquet or taste, ranch dressing is a viable option.
Please don't forget the napkins! A roll or two of paper towels placed on the eating surface will suffice in some less formal settings.
WARNING: I am assuming that you are ingesting the wings sans silverware. Please refrain from adjusting your contact lens with a sauce anointed digit. For should, you do so, uncomfortable and tear-inducing pain will follow.
ONE FINAL NOTE: We received no financial endorsement or otherwise from the products shown in this article. Should the manufacturer or distributor of such products suggest sending a monetary token of gratitude, please contact me at the following email address scrim@emptynesterlounge.com
–Bon appetit! Scrim Shaw
PLEASE NOTE: The neighborhood's free-range chicken population suffered no harm in the demonstration of this recipe.